Followed all the rules, checked all the boxes, and yet…
WESTBROOK — A local woman has reportedly done everything right and is still not happy, according to a developing investigation into the state of her life.
The woman, 38, has followed every piece of conventional advice she was given. Specifically, she studied hard, got into a good college, landed a stable job, bought a house, and maintains a well-funded retirement account. Despite these achievements, sources close to the situation confirm she often stares at the ceiling at 3 a.m. wondering “is this it?”
“I did everything I was supposed to do,” she told reporters, sitting in her tastefully decorated living room. “So why do I feel like this?”
How She Done Everything Right
A review of the woman’s life reveals a pattern of doing everything right at every juncture.
First, she took AP classes in high school. Then she chose a practical major in college. After that, she completed an internship that led to a full-time position. Additionally, she contributed to her 401(k) starting at age 22 and purchased a home before 30, just as the articles said she should.
“My credit score is 812,” she said. “I meal prep on Sundays. Furthermore, I exercise four times a week. I floss.”
And yet.
“Sometimes I’m driving to work and I think about just… keeping driving,” she admitted. “Not to anywhere. Just away. However, then I remember I have a 10 a.m. meeting and my car needs an oil change next week.”
Experts Baffled By Woman Who Done Everything Right
Dr. Michael Torres, a psychologist specializing in what he calls “successful unhappiness,” said the phenomenon is increasingly common.
“People follow the script perfectly and then discover the script was written by someone who didn’t know what actually makes humans feel fulfilled,” he explained. “Unfortunately, by the time they realize this, they’ve already built an entire life around the script.”
The woman’s friends, most of whom have also done everything right, report similar experiences. Consequently, they rarely discuss it, instead sharing photos of vacations and home renovations on Instagram.
“We all know,” said one friend. “We just don’t talk about it. What would we even say?”
What Comes Next For Someone Who Done Everything Right
The woman says she has considered making changes but is unsure what those changes would be.
“I could quit my job, but then what? After all, I have a mortgage. Similarly, I could travel, but I only have two weeks of vacation. Alternatively, I could pursue my passions, but I honestly don’t know what my passions are anymore. Essentially, I was too busy doing everything right to find out.”
At press time, the woman was browsing Zillow listings in states she has no intention of moving to, a ritual she performs every Sunday evening.
This story is developing. Or not developing. It’s hard to say.
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