“Sesame Street taught kids to count. We’re going to teach them to count on America.”
The White House announced Wednesday that it is exploring plans for a new “Patriot Broadcasting Service” to fill the void left by the dissolution of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, which officially shuttered this week after Congress rescinded more than $1 billion in federal funding.
“For too long, public broadcasting has been teaching children letters and numbers without any context about what makes this country great,” a senior administration official told reporters. “We’re going to fix that.”
Enhanced Programming For American Families
According to officials familiar with the planning, the proposed Patriot Broadcasting Service would feature “values-enhanced” versions of educational content. Programming concepts under consideration include:
“Liberty Lane,” a children’s show where puppets teach counting using examples such as “How many barrels of oil did we liberate from Venezuela?” and “If America has 50 states and adds Greenland, how many states will America have?”
A nature documentary series narrated by a rotating cast of Cabinet members, focusing exclusively on American wildlife and natural resources available for extraction.
And “Cooking with Capitalism,” in which a host prepares meals while explaining why food stamps discourage innovation.
Funding Remains Unclear
When asked how the new service would be funded after Congress eliminated public broadcasting appropriations, the official paused.
“We’re exploring a range of options,” they said. “Sponsorships. Donations. Maybe we’ll find some oil somewhere.”
The official declined to provide a timeline but expressed confidence that American children would soon have access to “programming that doesn’t make them ask uncomfortable questions at dinner.”
Representatives for PBS and NPR declined to comment, noting that they remain operational through private donations and are “not sure what any of this means.”
The proposed eagle mascot for the new network has not yet been named, though officials confirmed it would “definitely not be Big Bird.”
Developing.
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