Officials stress that any military seizure of NATO ally territory would include “please” and “thank you.”
The White House moved Wednesday to reassure European allies that any potential military action to acquire Greenland would be conducted “very politely” and “in the spirit of friendship,” senior administration officials confirmed. The clarification comes amid growing concern that the United States might actually invade a NATO member’s territory days after capturing Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro.
“Let me be clear: if we were to utilize military assets to secure Greenland, it would be the most respectful territorial acquisition in modern history,” a senior official told reporters. “We’re talking please, thank you, holding doors open for people. The works.”
The Polite Invasion Concept Takes Shape
According to sources familiar with the planning, the administration is exploring what officials have internally dubbed “Operation Warm Welcome”—a military contingency that would include complimentary gift baskets for Greenland’s 57,000 residents upon arrival of U.S. forces.
“We’re not barbarians,” the official continued. “Every household would receive a welcome package. We’re looking at wine, cheese, maybe some of those little American flag toothpicks. Really top-shelf stuff.”
When asked how invading a NATO ally’s sovereign territory differed from the kind of aggression the alliance was designed to prevent, the official appeared confused by the question.
“This would be a NATO thing,” they explained. “We’re in NATO. They’re in NATO. It’s like borrowing a cup of sugar from a neighbor, except the sugar is an island and we’re not giving it back.”
Denmark Remains Unconvinced
Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen, who has urged the administration to “stop threatening” her country, was reportedly unmoved by the politeness assurances.
“I don’t think ‘polite invasion’ is going to work for us,” a Danish government spokesperson said. “That’s still just an invasion with better manners.”
The White House dismissed these concerns as “typical European negativity.”
“They said the same thing about Venezuela,” the official noted. “And look how smoothly that went.”
When pressed on whether Greenlanders—85% of whom oppose joining the United States—would have any say in the matter, the official smiled warmly.
“Of course they’ll have a say,” they said. “After.”
Developing.
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