“There’s always 2027. That’s going to be my year. I can feel it.”
A Greenbrook Township man has officially declared 2026 “already a wash” following a series of minor inconveniences on the year’s fifth day, sources confirm. Kevin Dermott, 43, announced his decision to “just get through this year” and “really focus on 2027” after encountering a crowded gym and receiving a parking ticket Monday morning.
“The energy is off,” Dermott explained from his couch, still wearing the athletic clothes he’d put on at 6 AM with the intention of working out. “You can’t force these things. When a year starts like this, you just have to accept it and move on.”
The Timeline Of A Year Declared A Wash
According to Dermott’s account, 2026 began promisingly. He stayed up until midnight on New Year’s Eve. He wrote down seven resolutions on January 1st. He purchased a new gym membership on January 2nd and a motivational journal on January 3rd. He described January 4th as “a rest day.”
The trouble began Monday morning when Dermott arrived at Planet Fitness to find the parking lot full. He circled for eleven minutes before finding a spot “practically in another zip code.” Upon entering, he discovered every treadmill occupied.
“That’s when I knew,” he said. “The universe was sending a message.”
Rather than wait for equipment, Dermott returned to his car, where he found a $45 parking ticket for an expired meter he claims he “didn’t even see.” He drove home, removed his shoes, and declared the year unsalvageable by 8:47 AM.
Looking Ahead To 2027
Dermott says he plans to spend the remaining 360 days of 2026 “in maintenance mode” while mentally preparing for what he describes as “a real fresh start” next January.
“Some years are building years. Some years are just years you get through,” he said, gesturing vaguely at the wall calendar where January 5th remained uncrossed. “I’m not giving up. I’m being strategic.”
His wife, Amanda, declined to comment but was observed leaving the house with a full gym bag at approximately 2 PM.
Dermott’s seven resolutions—which included “exercise more,” “read more books,” and “be more positive”—remain taped to the refrigerator. He says he will “revisit them in twelve months” when conditions are more favorable.
“2027,” he said, nodding slowly. “That’s the one.”
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