Sources confirm uncles have been “reading up on things” and are “ready to share”
NATIONWIDE—As families prepare to gather for the holidays, sources confirm that uncles across America are finalizing preparations to explain everything to everyone at the dinner table. Furthermore, experts warn that no subject—from geopolitics to cryptocurrency to whatever that thing was on the news—will be considered too complex for confident explanation.
“He’s been practicing,” reported one nephew, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I saw him watching a documentary last week. He took notes. On a napkin. He’s ready.”
According to preliminary data, the average uncle explains everything with absolute certainty regardless of actual familiarity with the topic. Consequently, dinner conversations are expected to cover foreign policy, the economy, “what they’re not telling you,” and why things were better before.
Uncle Explains Everything Despite Zero Credentials
A Newswax investigation has confirmed that uncles require no formal credentials to offer definitive takes on complex subjects. In fact, many consider a lack of expertise to be an advantage—freeing them from the constraints of “overthinking” that afflict so-called professionals.
“My uncle has never been to the Middle East, but he can explain exactly what’s happening there,” one source told Newswax. “It takes him about forty-five minutes. There’s a chart he draws on a napkin.”
Meanwhile, the phenomenon appears connected to a recently documented pattern in which strong opinions form independently of supporting information. However, uncles maintain that personal conviction and “common sense” outweigh what they call “book learning.”
Preparation Reportedly Underway For Weeks
Additionally, sources indicate that preparation for holiday explanations has been ongoing since early November. Uncles have reportedly been gathering information from a variety of sources, including YouTube videos, forwarded emails, and “a guy at work who really knows what’s going on.”
“He printed out articles,” one niece confirmed. “He highlighted them. In multiple colors. He has a system.”
Therefore, family members are advised to prepare strategic questions such as “Wow, really?” and “I had no idea” to facilitate smooth conversation flow. Experts also recommend maintaining a two-drink minimum for optimal coping.
Aunts Expected To Change Subject Repeatedly
Sources further confirm that aunts nationwide are simultaneously preparing counter-programming, including questions about dating status, career choices, and “when we’re going to see some grandchildren around here.”
The combination is expected to produce what researchers call a “complete holiday dinner experience.”
This is a developing story. Consequently, Newswax will update as uncles reveal what they’ve been reading about.
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