“If it happens, that proves I’m right. If it doesn’t happen, that also proves I’m right,” explains local man who cannot be wrong
RIDGEWOOD HEIGHTS—In a significant development, local resident Dale Fenwick has confirmed that both a thing happening AND that thing not happening constitute definitive proof of his theory. Furthermore, Fenwick insists the thing happening is proof, and the thing not happening is also proof—a framework experts describe as “not how evidence works.”
“Look, it’s simple,” Fenwick explained to Newswax while gesturing at a wall covered in newspaper clippings and red string. “If the thing happens, that’s proof they’re doing the thing. If the thing doesn’t happen, that’s proof they’re hiding the thing. Either way, I’m vindicated.”
Consequently, sources confirm that Fenwick has not been wrong about anything in approximately six years.
Thing Happening Is Proof, Fenwick Confirms
According to Fenwick, the occurrence of any event immediately validates his broader framework. “When the thing happened last Tuesday, I said ‘See? I told you.’ Because I had told them. I tell everyone. Constantly.”
However, Fenwick was equally prepared for the alternative scenario. “If it hadn’t happened, I would have said ‘See? They stopped it because we were watching.’ You can’t catch me off guard. I’ve thought this through.”
Additionally, witnesses report that Fenwick’s methodology has expanded to cover virtually all phenomena, from weather patterns to grocery store inventory to the behavior of neighborhood cats.
The Thing Not Happening Is Also Proof
In related developments, Fenwick confirmed that absence of evidence functions identically to presence of evidence within his analytical framework.
“They want you to think nothing happened,” Fenwick noted. “But ask yourself: why would nothing happen unless something was being covered up? The silence speaks volumes. Volumes, I tell you.”
Meanwhile, Fenwick’s wife, Cheryl, declined to comment but was observed sighing heavily and looking at a calendar.
Critics Also Prove Theory Correct
Perhaps most significantly, Fenwick revealed that criticism of his theory serves as additional confirmation of its validity.
“When people say I’m wrong, that proves they’re in on it,” Fenwick explained. “When people ignore me, that proves I’m over the target. When people agree with me, that proves I’m right. There’s literally no scenario where I’m not right. I’ve checked.”
Therefore, logical consistency has been rendered optional within what Fenwick calls his “airtight system.”
At press time, Fenwick announced that your skepticism right now, reading this, also proves his theory. “You’re thinking about it,” he said, pointing directly at you somehow. “That’s all I needed.”
Developing.
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