Sources confirm the imaginary opponent “didn’t even have a comeback” during the 14-minute internal confrontation
RIDGEMONT—A local man has officially declared himself undefeated in debate after winning a decisive shower argument on Tuesday morning. Furthermore, witnesses confirm that Greg Pemberton, 43, emerged from his bathroom with what he described as “a perfect record” following the one-sided exchange in which his imaginary opponent failed to mount any coherent defense.
“He didn’t even see it coming,” Pemberton reported, still toweling off. “I hit him with facts, then logic, then the thing I should have said at Thanksgiving but didn’t. He had nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
The shower argument won by Pemberton lasted approximately 14 minutes and covered topics ranging from workplace politics to a disagreement from 2019 that had previously been considered resolved.
Opponent Reportedly Devastated By Shower Argument Loss
According to Pemberton, his coworker Mike—who served as the imaginary opponent and remains unaware the argument occurred—was left “completely speechless” by the devastating rhetorical assault.
“I said, ‘Oh, you think the Henderson account was handled correctly?’ And then I explained exactly why it wasn’t, point by point. He just stood there.” Pemberton paused. “Well, he wasn’t actually there. But if he had been, he would have just stood there.”
Additionally, Pemberton revealed that his arguments were so airtight that his imaginary opponent was forced to concede on multiple occasions, sometimes mid-sentence.
Victory Extended To Arguments From Previous Years
In a significant development, Pemberton confirmed that Tuesday’s shower session also retroactively settled disputes dating back to 2017.
“There was this thing my brother-in-law said at a barbecue. I finally told him exactly what I thought about that.” Pemberton nodded slowly. “He apologized. He finally understood. It was beautiful.”
Pemberton’s brother-in-law, reached by Newswax, stated he did not remember the barbecue in question and asked why we were calling.
Perfect Record Now Spans Hundreds Of Victories
Meanwhile, sources close to Pemberton estimate his current debate record stands at approximately 847-0, with victories accumulated over two decades of bathing.
“I’ve never lost in the shower,” Pemberton confirmed. “Not once. Sometimes they think they’ve got me, and then I come back with something devastating that I think of right at the perfect moment, which is always.”
His wife, Karen, declined to comment but noted that he has been “unusually confident” since Tuesday and keeps muttering “checkmate” under his breath.
At press time, Pemberton announced he was “ready” to have the actual conversation with Mike but would probably “wait for the right moment,” which sources confirm has not arrived since 2019.
Developing.
About the Author
